From parenting after divorce books to online advice groups, many experts help make co-parenting easier and more rewarding.
All divorced parents have one thing in common:
A powerful desire to protect their children from the fallout of divorce.
The good news is that divorce does not inevitably lead to damaged, stressed-out children.
When both parents stay focused on the children’s needs and work together as a team, kids actually can end up better off than many kids from intact families.
Let’s clear up some misconceptions:
Parents instinctively think divorce equals chaos, but a little education can change that mindset. When you’re getting a divorce in Texas or any other state for that matter, these are the four things most parents don’t realize…
Divorce doesn’t have to mean disaster for your children.
What you’ll discover:
- Why Co-Parenting Success Rates Are Higher Than You Think
- The 4 Non-Negotiable Rules Of Co-Parenting
- How To Work Through Conflict Without Hurting Your Kids
- Tips For Creating Successful Communication Systems
- How To Provide Consistency Across Two Homes
Why co-parenting success rates are higher than you think
Successful co-parenting may be more common than you think. Recent studies found 43.4% of families exhibit mutual high-quality co-parenting.
That means nearly half of divorced couples are getting it right!
But the good news doesn’t end there: In multiple studies, children of shared-parenting families consistently outperform those in sole custody arrangements. Shared children have better school outcomes, emotional health, and fewer behavioral problems.
The bottom line?
Your marriage may be over, but your partnership as parents can be better than ever, if both of you stay laser-focused on the kids.
The 4 non-negotiable rules of co-parenting
Successful co-parents follow four rules religiously:
Kids come first, always.
Every decision, big or small, must pass the “kids first” test.
Put aside your own hurt feelings and focus on doing what is in the children’s best interests. Both parents need to be 100% on board with the kids-first principle for everything else to flow more easily.
Respect is non-negotiable.
You may not like or get along with your ex-spouse, but mutual respect is essential.
Children learn how to treat others by watching their parents. When they see you respecting their other parent, you’re teaching them important lessons about healthy relationships.
Keep communication focused on the kids.
All conversations and communication between parents should be strictly child-related.
That means no personal attacks, no revisiting old arguments, and no guilt trips. Successful co-parents develop a business-like way of talking and interacting with each other. They share information about school events, medical issues, and parenting concerns without letting emotions cloud the message.
Consistency across both homes.
While your two households won’t be carbon copies, major rules and expectations should be the same.
Bedtimes, homework policies, discipline, and screen time rules should all match up as closely as possible. This provides children with predictability and helps them feel more secure in both homes.
How to work through conflict without hurting your kids
Parenting after divorce books don’t usually discuss this…
Parents often make the mistake of thinking no conflict is the goal. But research shows that parental conflict is less of an issue as long as children are not exposed to it.
Successful co-parents disagree privately and present a united front to the kids.
When differences come up:
- Take the discussion offline immediately
- Meet in neutral places at the calendared times, not during pickup/dropoff
- Focus on solutions instead of blame
- Use mediation to help with recurring conflicts
It’s worth noting that under 50% of divorced parents are able to co-parent effectively during the first few years of their divorce. If you and your ex struggle to make it work, take heart in knowing you’re not alone, but keep working to do better by your children.
Tips for creating successful communication systems
High-functioning co-parents approach their relationship like a business partnership.
This involves creating efficient, clear communication systems and sticking to them religiously. Many successful families find these tips work best:
Weekly scheduled check-ins where both parents go over upcoming events, changes, and concerns regarding their children.
Shared online calendars where school events, appointments, and activities are entered and tracked by both parents.
Day-to-day communication done by email or text instead of in person or over the phone. Written methods have the benefit of creating a record and depersonalizing emotional content.
Emergency contact protocols so both parents have immediate access to each other if something urgent comes up regarding the children.
The goal is not to be friends. It’s to function as effective co-parents in as business-like a manner as possible.
How to provide consistency across two homes
Helping your children feel like they live in two “normal” homes instead of two very different worlds is vital.
Your individual households can (and will) have their own personalities, but the key rules and routines should match up as closely as possible. This helps kids feel more secure and reduces the stress of transitions.
Parents should work to align the following, at a minimum:
- Basic bedtime and morning routines
- Homework and studying expectations
- Screen time and media rules
- Discipline and consequences for misbehavior
- Health, nutrition, and safety guidelines
Focus on the core household management elements, but don’t sweat small differences. Children are highly adaptable and can handle a fair amount of variation between their parents’ homes. What matters most is that the children feel safe, loved, and cared for in both places.
Strategies for managing transitions like pickup and dropoff
Pickup and dropoff times are the most stressful part of co-parenting for many families.
If you and your children approach these transitions as a chance to reconnect, do your best, and move on, your whole co-parenting journey becomes much easier. When handled poorly, these moments can undo all the other work you’re doing. But when handled with skill, they become smooth, low-stress.
Tips for making transitions work:
- Keep exchanges brief and business-like
- Have children’s bags packed and ready in advance
- Make all conversations about the kids’ needs
- Address serious topics on later calls or emails
Remember, your children are always watching and learning how you handle these moments. Model for them both of their parents’ ability to work together respectfully, even if you can no longer be a married couple.
Wrapping It All Together
Co-parenting after divorce is not about perfection; it’s about consistency, respect, and staying focused on the kids.
The most important thing is how you and the other parent handle the divorce process and your ongoing commitment to working together for your children’s sake, even if your marriage relationship is over.
Let’s review some key takeaways:
- Keep the children’s needs at the forefront of all decisions
- Maintain respect and business-like communications
- Strive for consistency between the two homes
- Work through conflicts in private and in a professional manner
This is no small task, but it is one of the most important jobs both of you will ever have. Your children’s future mental health and relationships may well depend on how well you do this.
Fortunately, you have a fresh chance every day to do the right thing.